Houses of Cards: Pickup Artists

This is a followup to Houses of Cards.

Probably all of you have heard the term pickup artist, and if you’ve spent any length of time on the internet, you may know that’s what the acronym PUA means.

The reason it became acronymized–just like AMOG, AFC, DHV, and FB–is because that’s what internet nerds do. And that’s what the majority of these guys are. If you’ve seen The Pickup Artist on VH1, you know. I don’t really need to elaborate on their community. Neil Strauss already has and I have nothing against them–I just think they’re taking the wrong approach. And to explain why, I’ll tell you about the time I was a PUA for 5 minutes.

At age 21, I was pretty good with women. I was entertaining and could lead conversations, but it was sort of farcical, like I didn’t always know who I was. This veneer resulted in inconsistent success. But I didn’t recognize the truth of this at the time, and rather than careful examination, I wanted an immediate fix. Luckily, the internet makes these easily accessible.

The PUA community caught my eye right away, it seemed like they had essentially “hacked” human behavior, cut through dense psychology, and boiled everything about relationships down to simple tactics. So I had a basic grasp quickly, and was eager to try a routine.

It was a weekday at an Irish pub, and I noticed her immediately. She was tall, half-white/half-black, and almost perfect. I grabbed a cocktail napkin from the bar and began sketching a stick figure of her, like a child’s drawing. I periodically held the pen in front of me, like an artist does for perspective, looking at her and making sure she noticed this. I piqued her curiosity and she came over. “What are you doing?”

I showed her the picture, “Sorry. The thing is, I’m an artist…and I had to draw you.” I hate that I said that–I hated it at the time too–but it’s the truth. And it worked. She laughed hysterically, and I improvised from there. I acted offended by her laughter: “Well…it’s pretty abstract. I’m a surrealist. Really, it’s social commentary on the state of…ah fuck. You caught me, I’m just another artist trying to sound smart.” Then I negotiated the exchange of the drawing for her phone number.

I had successfully traded one social mask for another. I even followed The Rules and waited to call her.

This is another example of “hacked” behavior. True alpha males don’t usually decide to postpone their call as a tactic, it’s just that they are busy from having lives. At some point, someone averaged this out to about 3 days.

So instead of getting a life, I just emulated the behavior. We met on two occasions after that, and here’s how eventful they were: I don’t even remember what happened, and not because we were drinking. She was out of my league, and recognized my insecurity once the act dissipated.

In chess, the beginner’s temptation lies in simply memorizing sequences of opening moves, because a fast and decisive win is very intoxicating. Anyone with a solid memory could match a grandmaster for a little while, but the lack of experience would make itself quickly and painfully known as the game left the beginner’s comfort zone.

As soon as I had to play a move of my own, I floundered. Real game doesn’t depend on tactics. As far as I’ve learned since, it depends on two things:

Knowing yourself, and not feeling compelled to justify that person to others.