Free To Do Anything, Part 1

Maximus…The sense he gave of staying on the path rather than being kept on it.

–Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

This could be considered a response to Fight Club Moments by Ryan Holiday.

When have you hit bottom? My last entry explains why you’re seeing this now rather than later, but before I move forward in this blog, you should understand the reason you’re seeing this at all.

Two years ago, I moved away to be with the woman I thought I loved. I moved to work the job I thought I was suited for, and when that didn’t work out, I stayed for the education I thought I deserved.

Except I didn’t really think any of those things. So predictably, I lost all of them. And since I invested all my time into the things I was “supposed to,” I neglected what I actually cared about. I hadn’t made friends, read books, or written pages. Most of my possessions were still in boxes, never unpacked. Because I worked in the suburbs and didn’t have a car, I spent 4 hours a day in public transit. Two hours in a hard-plastic seat to get to the job I hated, and two hours back. And I wasn’t even making ends meet. If you asked me why I got up in the morning, I couldn’t have given you an answer.

Because of this, I didn’t have the energy to start from scratch, or to even have fun–I’d go to bars, feel pathetic for drinking alone, and leave. Think about that–I was too depressed to become an alcoholic.

I learned something about that little voice inside, the one you silence with rationalization or bury with office paperwork. He finds other ways to be subversive. He doesn’t like being kept on the path. That voice is as obstinate as a child, but he’s telling you how to behave like a man.

Someone else told me how to behave like a man too, and that’s what I’m going to write about next.